The Keynote: A Humorous Interlude
Let me tell you a true story …
I was walking along the beach one day, feeling lucky. My life was good. I had all my ducks lined up in a row. Whatever I had believed, I had conceived and achieved. And when the going had been tough, I’d got going.
As I walked, I saw a starfish lying in the sand. I picked it up and asked him, “What are you doing?” He replied, “I’m building a cathedral.” But he clearly wasn’t. So I threw him into the ocean.
Suddenly I felt a force in my back, and I was thrown face first into the sand. I turned to see a group of monkeys aiming a large hose of jet-cold water at me.
“What did you do that for?” I yelled. They stopped, and looked at each other, puzzled. “Err, there’s no ‘I’ in team,” one said haltingly, and then added, “Although, now that I think of it, there are two in ‘schizophrenia’.”
“Ummm … We were just shifting your paradigm”, said another.
“No, no”, said a third. “We moved your cheese.”
I just stared at them, until eventually one of them muttered, “Nobody ever asked us that before”, and they skulked away.
I turned away in disgust and looked out to the ocean. Suddenly, to my horror, I saw a battleship heading towards the beach, and – what’s more – right into the path of my starfish.
I cupped my hands to my mouth and yelled across the water, “Turn 10 degrees to port – now!” In reply, their loudhailer boomed back at me, “No, YOU turn 10 degrees to starboard – now!”
They were in trouble – BIG trouble. But I had a positive attitude, which was contagious – and I hoped it was worth catching by the men on that ship. I called back again, “I’m warning you – turn 10 degrees to port – NOW!” But the reply came back, even louder, “And I’m warning YOU – turn 10 degrees to starboard!”
What could I do? They were heading straight for shore. “Stop! Danger!” I yelled. But the reply came back, “I stop for nobody. I’m a battleship.”
Quickly, I thought outside the nine dots and yelled back, “I’m a lighthouse”. Unfortunately, it was daytime, and they could see I obviously wasn’t. So they ignored my warnings and headed straight for the shore.
I knew I had to lead, follow or get out of the way. I got out of the way. Unfortunately, the starfish wasn’t so lucky.
I tell you this story not to sadden you – because the sun is always shining even when you can’t see it – but to inspire you.
Nor to apologise – because love means never having to say you’re sorry – but to theorise.
And not to point a finger at the commander of that battleship – because whenever I do, there are two fingers pointing back at me (there used to be three, but I lost one in a freak accident when I lost concentration while sharpening an axe for six hours) – but to point YOU in a new direction.
You see, that was in the past, and the past is just a memory. All we have is the gift of now – that’s why we call it the “present” (Ummm … and the gift of tomorrow, I suppose – that’s why we call it, err, the future. But that’s another story).
I felt bad at the time, but it WAS in my past. Looking back now, I realise it didn’t make a difference to me. But it did to that starfish.
What If Shopping in Real Life Was Like Online Shopping?
Here’s a humorous video from Google – but also one with a serious message:
The underlying message is that if you’re serious about selling stuff on the Internet, you need to be aware of the many “exit ramps” your customers might be taking before they complete the sale. More importantly, you need to know which they are taking, so you can take steps to address them.
This is an ad for Google’s own analytics tool, which you should definitely be using on your Web site. But even if you don’t go to the extent of testing and measuring using Google Analytics, you can learn a lot by simply examining your customer’s path through your Web site and identifying possible obstacles to them completing the transaction.
Is the Queen of England a Trusted Authority?
Andrew O’Brien, Trevor Dixon and Steve Major – the brains behind Trusted Authority Partners – have created this entertaining video about the importance of being a trusted authority:
Stacey, Stacey, Stacey – How Not to Win a Bid for a Data Entry Project
Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions
The parody news Web service The Onion brings this hilarious short video about what might happen if the Internet failed:
It’s a joke, of course; but it carries with it more than a grain of truth!
Amazing science stunts for Christmas parties – from Richard Wiseman
One of my favourite bloggers is psychologist Richard Wiseman, who explains psychology in a fun and interesting way.
This is my last post for the year, and it’s Christmas Eve, so I’ll share one of his recent posts: Ten science stunts and tricks for Christmas:
Enjoy!
I wish you the best for a safe and happy Christmas, and for great success in 2011.
Why the Internet Will Fail
Of course, we all now know the Internet is here to stay. But this belief wasn’t always commonplace. I remember in the early years of my Web design company, some people were asking questions like, “Is this Internet thing just a fad?”
In 1995, Newsweek magazine ran an article by Clifford Stoll, predicting the imminent death of the Internet. It’s a fun read.
To his credit, Stoll himself has taken this in good grace and good humour – and you can read his response there as well.
